October 29th, 2007
Domestic Violence - Following “The Burning Bed”.
Domestic Violence is something I have very little experience with, but I do know October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We hear much less about domestic violence because it is not as profitable as Breast Cancer. Yet there is some indication that 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend per year1 to three million women who are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend per year.
If people of my parent’s generation thought pronouncing Francine Hughes not guilty by reason of insanity all those years ago, not guilty of setting the bedroom in which her husband was sleeping on fire, would somehow spit in the face of it all and put a halt to domestic abuse, they were clearly mistaken. Domestic Violence did not go away.
I have no direct first hand knowledge of domestic violence. I’ve had only one boyfriend who had potential in that area and I got rid of him rather quickly, though not without some difficulty.
This weekends local news coverage of a horrific incident, and the subsequent rehash of other local cases, provoked me to write this.
A twenty-six year old teacher and mother of twins, who had recently filed for divorce and moved out of the home she shared with her thirty year old husband, was murdered by someone with blunt force to the head, that someone then poured chemical accelerant on every level of the town home and set it on fire. The woman’s body was identified and it was pronounced a homicide and arson. The other body hasn’t been identified as yet, the best guess is it was her husband as he lived there, and is unaccounted for. Many assume he poured accelerant on himself making it rather difficult to identify his body. The twins were unharmed, it appears she had dropped them off at the neighbors home prior to entering her old townhouse, the home her husband still lived in. Questions unanswered but family members say “things had not been going well for some time“.
I’ve only been living here a few months. Since that time there have been a number of incidences nearly just as high profile. A couple weeks ago a women was found bludgeoned to death with her husbands drugged body near-by, earlier this summer a man took the life of his children, and then committed suicide after murdering his wife and dumping her body in the woods some ways away – she wasn’t found for a couple of months. Shortly after this, not too far from here in another county, a man murdered his wife and dumped her on the side of the highway, and just this past Sunday morning, after the shock of the townhouse murder and arson, it turns out another man in the northern part of the county fatally shot his wife early this morning inside their home.
This seems more than excessive to me, and these are only the high profile cases, the ones I remember off the top of my head. This is one county in a suburb of DC, and this is in a matter of a few months.
In all of the cases above there was an unhappy woman, a woman about to leave her spouse and a history of, if not abuse, significant problems between the spouses.
I’m going to leave you with a few recommendations from the experts.
Denial is often an issue for the victim as well as the victim’s and abusers family members.
If the relationship is already unhealthy acts of separation or divorce can precipitate acts of violence even though it’s hard to predict who will become violent. If they already have a have a history - be forewarned.
This simple red flag I’m going to post, taken from a few local experts, has always been one of the most obvious to me.
“the “too much, too soon” concept —-people who are overly amorous at the start of a relationship with cards, roses, declarations of love or the constant need to see their partner.
“That’s a big red flag for relationships, an empty spot that person needs to fill,”. “That intensity is an indicator to a loser lover.”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
Domestic Violence dot Org
Women’s Law dot Org
Coaching Boys Into Men
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Domestic Violence and Abuse:Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships
Domestic Violence Information Center:FMF
The Women’s Center
Heartly House Inc
Domestic Violence Facts
Women Safe dot Org
I have to agree with that red flag both ways. People who immediately start with forever and people who are excited to be showered with affection by virtual strangers seem to me at high risk for violence, victimhood and/or being doggone strange.
Cooper, you have written a commendable post on an extremely important and tragically heart wrenching subject.
I will always love Dominic Dunne. His daughter Dominique was killed by her lover. She was a successful actress. He was a chef at a top Hollywood restaurant
Before her killing people refused to admit that it happened to white girls who live in great zip codes.
I know it does. Happened to me. Thanks Olivia and I’m linking to this as I’m too tired to write a whole post
Unfortunately, I’ve heard first-hand accounts from both sides of the line, the abused and the abusive. Most never turn out for the best, which is something I’ve always wondered about, if it’s true that certain people just should never be together.
It’s always tragic.
If at first things seem too good to be true they probably are.
Domestic violence and child abuse are the two great tragedies and shames of this country. There is far too much to go around. It’s been going on for far too long and there is no end in sight. Whenever some loudmouth starts expounding on what a great civilized country we live in, I know I can get him to shut up simply by bringing up those two topics.
Francine Hughes was the beginning of a wake up call. If a problem isn’t identified it can’t be helped.
I can be a bitch. Some people at first thought it was me being the bitch. I thought it. I thought if I could change my behaviors…when I went to the police they did the boys will be boys and we don’t have domestic violence in the 19th preceinct.
A problem has to be identified and talked about. The thing about my and your parents generation is that we wouldn’t be silent
We talked so much people had to listen.
In grad school my professor refused to believe that counseling was mandated for abusers, in the Bronx, though I had cites, he could have verified
Most of the men in the class sided with him. This was in the 90’s during OJ
My teacher was from an older generation–most of the men were my age or younger
I felt like I was an alien world as the trial was going on and so much had been learned
I’m not a strident feminist. This was a full year class on social issues. My teacher had distributed my final paper as an example of a “perfect” paper
Because I was so “strident” on this issue I lost his respect
I uncovered a truly horrible case of abuse in the nursing home I worked in. The social service staff and nurses in that unit backed me. All the rest of the staff thought the husband “cute” though he would come to visit his wife drunk at 10 AM
Until people stop thinking like this, this will always be a horrible problem
Doug: You’re right on that one.
Jeane Michelle: Especially so as it seems to be ignored.
Mojo: I think it always pays to be vigilant and try to see things for what they really are instead of what we want them to be.
jacob: It is tragic, and this morning the news confirmed that in the primary case I cited above the man was the husband, and he had hanged himself after beating her to death and igniting the home.
sk: I know that domestic violence here seems to have gotten out of control. It does seem that a little foresight and less denial would help prevent a lot of it, unlike the cases of violence against women world wide.
Pia: It is just so sad really that in a civilized society there is so much abuse on all levels. It’s hard to comprehend at times.
Not to mention that domestic violence is misrepresented as something
which happens to “the other”, people with no education, of little financial means, the people we don’t know. There is a stigma attached to it. Unlike breast cancer where no one can be blamed domestic violence is one of those things where blame is placed on the victims or the family of the victim or the abuser.
It’s hard to know what to say to this. I’ve known people involved in relationships which have taken a turn for the worse It hits everyone, no one is immune.
I wish woman would not think it such a big deal when they land the guy who showers them with gifts and phone calls. Everything seems so violent these days.
Oh, I like this look. It’s a different format. I’ll have to look around. ;)
It’s tragic that this issue needs an entire month - but it seems to be very human - if we hurt the ones we love, what do we do to the ones we don’t love.
kait: Thanks.
Inde: Don’t even ask.